I think about a lot of aspects of being a dad on my site DadBlogUK.com and I’ve written for BritMums about doing my best to stop my dad guilt. I’ve been trying, but it hasn’t entirely worked out. Here’s a story about an episode of dad guilt and what I learned from it.
What causes dad guilt?
The sources of dad guilt are myriad. Research has shown that many fathers feel it for not being ‘present’ enough for their children. The culture around dad as main carer is not as strong as that for mothers, which means fathers may have more trouble adjusting to and understanding their new role. They can’t take part in some activities such as breastfeeding. And because of the wage gap, if one partner has to take time off for parenting, it tends to be the one who is making less…and that tends to be the woman. But I had a weekend that showcased my dad guilt while also highlighting the need of all parents to, well, give ourselves a break. It was a Friday, the one day of the week when I go into my eldest daughter’s school and volunteer for a couple of hours.
Best-laid plans going astray
As usual for a Friday, I’d arranged for Elizabeth, our 17-month-old, to go to a childminder while I helped at school. I had a few errands to run and the house needed tidying so I warned the childminder that I might ask her to keep Elizabeth for a couple of additional hours.
Sometimes happiness is about taking care of all the things on the tick list. On this particular occasion I had a long list and I felt it best Elizabeth was elsewhere while I took care of things. If she’d been at home I couldn’t have given her the attention she needed.
Keeping up the house without help was impossible
When I got home from school, I looked round the house and my heart sank. It really was in an appalling state. The laundry baskets were overflowing, the freshly washed laundry was screaming out to be ironed, the dishwasher needed emptying and refilling, the house needed vacuuming for the first time in two weeks, the car needed to be cleaned out and do on. This was going to take hours.
I got in touch with the childminder and asked if she could keep Elizabeth until 1pm, hoping this would give me enough time to get the housework done. It was nowhere near enough time so shortly before 1pm I got in touch again and asked if she could keep her until 2.30pm.
Up to my neck in housework, I called her one final time at 2.30pm and asked if Elizabeth could stay with her until 4pm, after I had picked up big sister from school. The childminder duly obliged.
Dad guilt about childcare but a good result?
Although it was an expensive exercise, I got all the housework done and we were able to spend a weekend together as a family. For two blissful days, none of us really had to bother with mundane chores at all and the house really was genuinely clean.
I know in my heart that leaving Elizabeth with the childminder was the correct thing to do. I just felt bad that I had to do it. I hate the thought of her being sidelined for the sake of the washing up and dusting, but it needed to be done.
Sometimes it feels like we’re regularly lurching from squalor to tidiness in awkward, difficult jumps. We don’t always get it right. I often feel guilty. But this day demonstrated just how important childcare is for parents to do what they need to do to be good mums and dads. As they say, it takes a village…
It also demonstrates that while men continue to attempt to banish dad guilt, it’s, says we say, a process!
More childcare and dad stories
About John Adams
John Adams is a married with two young daughters. He has been a stay at home dad for almost four years. John started blogging back in 2012 after being invited to one-too-many "mother and toddler groups." This inspired him to write about the issues he faced as a stay at home dad and the gender barriers men face as parents. John continues to write about lie as a stay at home dad. He also writes about every aspect of parenting; schooling, education, pregnancy and birth, childcare and so on. Over time he has broadened the focus of his blog so he now writes about family finances, photography and occasionally covers men's style and fashion. John was originally a journalist. He concedes, however, that was a long time ago.
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John Adams
Thursday 1st of May 2014
Oh yes, standards have definitely fallen. It's not a case of things being clean...it's a case of clothes, towels (insert item here) being "clean enough". On this occasion, however, the house looked like it'd been ripped apart by Led Zeppelin following an after show party.
Expat Mum
Thursday 1st of May 2014
If you have high standards about housework etc before having children it's helpful to lower them slightly otherwise, as you say, you drive yourself mad. Unless you have judgmental visitors every day, who cares if the shoes are in a mess at the front door, the washing hasn't been put away etc? Obviously you can't avoid all chores, and kids need to know that they can't have every minute of your day, but the compromise is to let the housework sit for a bit.
Matt Hampton
Thursday 24th of April 2014
Really honest post John. I think all parents suffer from guilt on one form or another. I know I do. The scenario you describe is something you just couldn't imagine thinking about before you had kids, but suddenly, it's important!
If you can't relax in a messy house, there's no point beating yourself up about farming out the kids while you get it sorted. Unless someone else is going to clean it, there's not much else you can do. And as you say, it allowed you a relaxing time as a family over the w/e, which is more important
I feel bad sometimes if I'm doing loads of chores while getting the kids up and doing breakfast, as I see this as a nice bit of time with them on my own before school. I should be concentrating on chatting with them and having a bit of fun, not washing up. But you don't always get the chores done while they're in bed or wherever else. No one's perfect. Not all the time anyway. And those domestic wonders you allude to are usually really boring. Keep at it and if you do ever get any spare time, I've always got vacuuming I could use some help with. Or maybe we could just go for a beer.
John Adams
Thursday 1st of May 2014
Matt! Great to hear from you! It's been years. Let's skip the domestic chores and just have that beer, yes?? You know how to get hold of me!
Lisa Rouse
Wednesday 23rd of April 2014
Hey John,
Enjoyed reading this! Have experienced many dilemmas like this in the past 10 years. The guilt never seems to go away and I don't know where it comes from most of the time - but as parents we're really good at knocking ourselves!! Best advice i was ever given as a new mum was to trust your instinct!!! What fun loving little girl would want to watch you doing the chores when she could have fun with her friends instead...LOL !!!
John Adams
Thursday 1st of May 2014
You're right Lisa - I'm sure she had huge fun with the other kids at the childminders. And we didn't have to do any housework over the weekend, which was blissful.