New year’s resolutions for mums: Stop being a Shouty Mum

Kate Kirk at Counting to Ten blog reflects on her self-confessed biggest shortcoming when it comes to parenting. Thinking about new year’s resolutions for mums? She reveals her strategies to control your temper and resisting being a shouty mum in 2022.

In past I have shared some things we thought we would never do as parents, but my worst regret? Being a shouty mum. In previous years I vowed to shout less as a New Year’s Resolution. Here, my tips for doing the same.

Is a Shouty Mum wrong?

I used to be ok with being a shouty mum. Shouting was my way of letting off steam when I was angry. I would shout, the anger would get out of my system and I would be calm again. My eldest never seemed to pay much attention to my shouting anyway.

I started to feel differently when my second daughter became a toddler. Little got really upset when I raised my voice and it made me feel awful.

Can you stop being a Shouty Mum?

I have always been a little fiery, but the emotional and physical exhaustion that comes with motherhood has left me constantly short tempered. Add in children who intentionally try and wind me up at times and I don’t have the power not to shout. Or so I thought.

At parenting classes they suggest just walking away when you are annoyed (assuming it is safe to do so), but that doesn’t always work. My eldest used to cling to me so I couldn’t leave. I remember times when I had to run away and lock myself in the bathroom to give myself space to calm down.

Why it’s time to control my temper

What really changed things for me was seeing my behaviour reflected back in my children. When I saw them shout at each other for little things instead of trying to work it out calmly I heard them using my words, my voice. How could I tell them to be patient when I wasn’t?

It wasn’t easy to change my behaviour. I often opened my mouth and shouted before I realised what I was doing. But I did make progress. I practiced other ways to tell them off. I tried to avoid situations where I might shout. I challenged assumptions that made me get stressed.

For example, I hated to be late so I ended up shouting at my children to hurry up repeatedly. But really, how often did it matter when we were actually late? We could choose between potentially being a few minutes late for school versus everyone starting the day with a cloud over our heads because I’ve lost my temper again. Which is the better option? By challenging my beliefs that cause me to get angry (such as “The worst thing is to be late”) and building new beliefs (such as “If we’re a few minutes late we’ll be OK.”), I removed situations that made me stressed and led to shouting.

What replaced Shouty Mum?

I now vocalise my feelings more, for example by saying: “That behaviour is making me angry so I’m going to go away now”. It was interesting to hear my 3-year-old say similar things, which has meant that I can change what is happening to stop her losing her temper. Being able to vocalise the feeling helps to diffuse it.

Being less shouty is hard work, but this will make my home life happier. More importantly it helps teach my children important skills for when life gets difficult.

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