Twitter Terriers, Facebook Furies and Blog Bummers

I’m just back from Britmums Live, still buzzing from the noise, people and all the stuff I learnt!

I was asked to sit on the panel at the discussion den on ‘online negativity, because I’ve written a lot about Bullying in the past and at the beginning of the year I wrote about how Mums should try standing in each others shoes for a moment before slagging each other off.

I was there along with some guys with great knowledge on the subject:

Claire from a Modern military mother (a fave blog and person of mine who has unfortunately been trolled a LOT)
Diane from In the powder room (which I adore and have a secret desire to write for, but never admitted that to her!)
Paul from Viapoint (who I was really looking forward to meeting because he’s learnt loads about the psychology behind online behaviour).

My focus was on the people I call the:

Twitter Terriors – knawing on your ankles and not leaving a subject alone.

Facebook Furies – who turn a little Facebook comment into a massive essay that goes on and on and on.

Blog Bummers – who’ll bring down even the best of days with a spiteful comment on your blog.

Most of us won’t ever have the popularity, success or controversy to face being properly ‘trolled‘ or ‘hated‘. But that doesn’t mean that the regular fall outs I see online don’t hurt too.

So what should you do about it when it happens to you?

1) Well first have a cup of tea, chocolate biscuit, cry and talk to a mate.

There’s no doubt it feels crap and it’s difficult to not take it personally. But BEFORE you reply, take a break and get some perspective. Try to give the benefit of the doubt, because on a second reading you might find that you misunderstood something.

2) Remember 5 mins of your time is valuable

Before you decide to take them on, decide wether it’s really worth your time. The internet could easily steal 5hrs of your time let alone 5 mins. Aren’t you busy enough already? Are the people who really matter going to take any notice of their nonsense? Or is it someone who you really don’t want to fall out with and think that you could quickly clear up the misunderstanding with? Remember lots of things blow over on the internet and are quickly forgotten; so do you want to add more weight to it by continuing the conversation?

3) Are you trying to convince them you are right?

If the only reason you are going to continue to interact with them or reply is to convince them that they are wrong and you are right, don’t bother! Seriously, it’s not worth it because you can’t have everyone agree with you.

4) Are you expecting rational behaviour from a stressed person?

Is there a possibility that this person is stressed out of their box? If so, don’t expect rationally, logical, objective behaviour from them, because it just isn’t going to happen. Even the best of us get taken over by stress at times.

5) Is your reply certain of itself and setting boundaries or an attack?

Is your reply going to be polite, clarifying something important and making your boundaries clear, showing how certain you are of yourself? (Without trying to convince them or suggest that they should agree with you). Great, you’ll probably find that this will clear up a misunderstanding, stop the whole thing, or if it doesn’t that you’ll then not need to reply again.

But if you are about to attack them, get defensive, or give excuses, STOP. People who are certain of themselves don’t do that, and if you reply… Remember the rule ‘DON’T FEED THE TROLL’.

6) Are you going to get all your mates to back you up?

A ‘victim’ who needs a rescuer is not a strong position or stance to take. If you call all your mates to come and ‘save’ you because some one is being horrid, it can ironically escalate even more and you yourself could be instigating bullying of someone else. You’ll probably find that some of them will automatically come anyway, but if they don’t either ignore it or be strong and sort it out yourself (see point 5)

7) Are you upset because you think someone doesn’t like or agree with you and they were nasty?

Totally understand it, and I’m sending you a virtual hug, hence I recommended tea, cakes and a chat with a mate at the beginning.

Problem is you will NEVER have the whole world like and agree with you. The most you can have is 50%.

In ‘real life’ hardly anyone bothers to tell us when they don’t like us or agree with us, so we walk around blithely ignorant of how unpopular we are. But online people are different, much braver and feel the urge to ‘share’ their feelings with us.

What I want you to do is get a piece of paper and write down the people who have been extra nice to you today, who said nice things, texted you, phoned you, wrote you an email, added a nice comment. Ironically lots of people who like and agree with you won’t have commented because they assume you know they like you. So I want you to now add a few names of people who you reckon disagreed with the horrid terrior, fury or bummer! See there are lots of people aren’t there? (If not, get another cuppa and keep writing).

If you are still having that cup of tea just remember that you aren’t the only one who has experienced really nasty comments, trolls or haters. In fact it’s happened to many of the best people in the world! Including me, Claire, the Britmums ladies, and loads of celebs.

Check out this video by Isabel Fay to make you giggle:

About

BritMums is the UK’s original collective of lifestyle bloggers and digital influencers, fueling the country’s most influential social content. We lead the online conversation with members who are parent social influencers creating content on topics ranging from food, parenting, travel, politics, style and more.

online filmy

Tuesday 6th of November 2012

We will not forget. They tried to take our? peace of mind but we held on. No one can ever take someones sanity. Thoe who died will be remembered and those who helped but didn't come out will be praised for their heroism. We will not forget. Never.

twins tiaras & tantrums

Tuesday 3rd of July 2012

I'm new to blogging and can't believe this sort of thing goes on. I know everyone is entitled to an opinion, that's what makes us all different. But surely you should be tactful and have a little respect for others at all times? When I first had my blog idea, a male friend of mine did mention I may need broad shoulders! I can never imagine putting anything offensive or upsetting in my blog, but who knows what people think. What may not upset one, may upset another, but to think they would cause problems over this is a very sad fact of life.

Lisa

Mummy Whisperer

@twinstiaras&Tantrums I know - I think the thing is that it has always gone on, but twitter, Facebook and blogs mean that we see it more nowadays. Plus, people are much braver (and lacking in discernment) when they are online - they can't see your face you see.

Anya from Older Single Mum

Gosh it's quite shocking reading this post - and the comments. I've been spared this kind of thing, but even someone I found quite rude on Twitter has upset me enough to lose sleep about it on a couple of occasions and I daren't even unfollow them because of what might come at me. I'm glad to keep quite a low profile. That video socks it right at 'em tho!

@anya - it's a brilliant video isn't it! and it brings it to home that even really 'successful' people have had nasty things said about them - so it really isn't important.

Liska

Monday 2nd of July 2012

I definitely suffered from a Twitter Terrior and her merry gang of followers.

For some reason it never became a Blog Bummer.... my blog apart from being viewed 1,150 times in a couple of hours, was largely left alone.

I did suffer from what I will call a "phantom phonecall". From someone who should have been more neutral, should have known better, and who should not have exploited their authority - something I will not let happen again.

I did not do 1, or 2, at my cost.

I did do 3, 4 and 5. I was certain, but not at all confident.

I was the recipient of no.6 . It was definitely as you say: escalated even more [by others] and it did result in the instigation of blatant bullying of me, for an hour and a half, on Twitter.

I was told by the wise one that because people were probably busy and not seeing it, it was okay, and I was told that I was the bully. Hhhhhmmm I don't think so.

And 7, YES!

Anyway, these are invaluable tips. Trolling makes people think of a stranger sitting at a screen with nobody knowing who they are. But mine wasn't trolling as such, and the people involved were certainly not anonymous.

People seem to think that ranking gives them a certain authority over others, like we're all in some sort of boarding school.

Well in the words of Dragon's Den, I'm out!

Oh, and for anyone reading this, when you see a row on Twitter don't join in. Even if the person is quiet (like I was) don't assume they are not reading what you are writing. I saw it all! I saw the inciteful comments and I saw the cryptic ones. And the scars last for a long time, so don't assume it is all in jest. It might be when you are dishing it out, but it certainly aint when you are on the receiving end.

And being drunk while you are ranting is no excuse either! Would you use that excuse if you ran someone over? I don't think the Police would be as sympathetic as the blogging police!

Liska x

Arggh just lost my long reply - am running out of time, so will summarise it for you (sorry about that) .....

- silver linings - I'd love 1150 views a day ;o)

- we are all bullies in some way (check out my posts on bullying, they will be challenging, but I think that you can get your head around them http://mummywhispererblog.com/school/bullying-2/)

- don't worry about other people's perceptions of you - there is very little you can do about it. I suspect that they were surprised about your perception of them too. Remember what I said about the 50% and look for the others.

- I agree that the twitter/blogger community needs to learn some responsibility in the next few years as it grows. There is NO WHERE you can say anything you want or that the basic social rules don't apply.

grace

Sunday 1st of July 2012

Simple , stylish and to the point Lisa! Thank You, I've noticed the more voice I've started creating through blogs the more criticism here and there, especially from Doctors, talk about unprofessional, they back their bullying up with their medical degree every time!

@Grace - yep that is exactly what happens. The more successful you are, the more likely one of the people who doesn't like you is going to tell you. Also, the more the blog/story is connected to something sad/challenging, it attracts them too - like Facebook groups for dead children, or blogs about depression.

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