So a family in Canada has decided to keep their baby’s gender a secret from the wider world, with only the parents, the siblings and a few other people.
Here’s the rationale from the mother that has inflamed experts and other observers: “We decided not to share Storm’s sex for now — a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a standup to what the world could become in Storm’s lifetime.”
Hmm. Not sharing the baby’s gender “for now”. What is so damaging about that, I wonder? The family hasn’t tried to surgically make the baby genderless. They are simply trying to raise it outside the preconceived notions of gender determinism.
The vitriolic response reveals just how threatened people feel when someone gets out of the box, so to speak, with gender and with parenting.
An article on ABCnews.com includes this quote: “To raise a child not as a boy or a girl is creating, in some sense, a freak,” said Dr. Eugene Beresin, director of training in child and adolescent psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital.
I wonder if “freak” is a definition Dr Beresin learned in his professional training.
On American TV a psychologist on TV decried these parents “imposing” an idea on a child (in this case, that its sex isn’t known to the wider world), which ignores that all parents everywhere “impose” ideas on their children. Some of these are about work ethics and morality. Some of these are how they are supposed to act because of their gender.
We’ve seen a swing back to parents favouring more traditional – and some would say inhibiting – gender roles recently. You can read the section in Natasha Walter’s Living Dolls for an informed examination of this phenomenon, or just listen to how many people compliment or indulge toddler boys’ exuberant behaviour while emphasizing little girls’ good looks and compliant behaviour.
The experts are cautioning that not informing the wider world of Storm’s gender could result in an identity crisis long-term. But the family isn’t pretending that the baby is neither boy nor girl. They are trying to first raise their child as a person. (Read the mother’s response to critics.)
I personally applaud this couple’s decision to try a different style of parenting. The fact that so many people are troubled by the ambiguity shows just how strong a role gender stereotypes play in our world. Doesn’t that make a move like the Witterick’s family that much more vital?
What do you think? Is it unfair to the child to not allow the wider world to know if he/she is a boy or a girl? Is this a social experiment doomed to failure?
— Jennifer, www.jenography.net
Picture: fotographic1980 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
About Jennifer Howze
Jennifer Howze is the Creative Director and co-founder of BritMums. She blogs about family travel at Jenography.net, tweets at @JHowze and Instagrams at @JHowze. Previously, she wrote the Alpha Mummy blog at The Times and as a journalist has contributed to The Times, The Guardian, The Independent, The Wall Street Journal, Travel & Leisure, Budget Travel, CNN.com, Allure, SELF and Premiere, among others. She won The Maggie Award from the Planned Parenthood Federation of America for a health article in Seventeen magazine.
Kate
Sunday 5th of June 2011
I just find this quite weird. And sad, all at the same time. As babies, we are pretty gender neutral but the fact is, we are mostly born either male or female and we do have various attributes driven by our gender, not any stereotyping imposed on us. If a child doesn't want that stereotyping forced on them, they'll soon make it known. I think it's sad that not even the grandparents can know what gender the child is. That must mean they can't look after it because it would soon become obvious through nappy changes and other personal care. I think it's a shame they're turning the child into some kind of social experiment. It's not as if it has a say either, is it?
Jennifer Howze
Wednesday 1st of June 2011
Thought-provoking points, Janis!
Jennifer Howze
Wednesday 1st of June 2011
I agree that once the child starts school, all bets would likely be off. The child would naturally talk about who they are, what they like, etc. Since these parents home school (or "unschool" as they call their alternative type of homeschooling), that may not happen for some time.
Michele
Wednesday 1st of June 2011
Having read the mother's response, this experiment has come about because of her eldest child's choice to not conform with typical male 'image' stereotypes. She allows him to express his individuality which I feel is supportive to that child, however this baby is also an individual still yet to fully express their likes/dislikes, preferences which I can't help feeling may be overshadowed/influenced by the parents concern for the choices of their eldest child. By hiding a child's sexuality you draw attention to their gender. I feel that makes it far more of an issue than just disclosing it but encouraging their preferences whatever they may be and living your life mindful of gender stereotypes and trying not to draw distinctions between what is male and what is female.
Janis from ReallyKidFriendly.com
Wednesday 1st of June 2011
I'm in two minds about this. Part of me thinks of it as a social experiment which could really affect the way the child interacts with others, and is perceived by others. It makes me think of Frankie from Skins, and of myself as a teenager. There is something about conforming to gender stereotypes that helps makes the gender issues unimportant so we can focus on other things - does that make sense? If the child is labelled a girl or a boy, people around will talk about his/her skills, personality, interests... But if it's kept secret the focus will be squarely on gender. Everyone will be so caught up in wondering about "what" it is that his/her more important qualities will be seriously overshadowed. I also wonder whether if he/she doesn't feel a belonging to either gender, when he/she reaches puberty or independence he/she may choose one and take it to the extremes. I've seen it before. Another part of me thinks challenging gender stereotypes is important, and that they're brave in having the guts to do it. But yes, fundamentally I am worried that they are risking a child's happiness and feelings of acceptance in later life to prove a point.