Yesterday I kept getting tweets, Facebook updates and emails about a blog post: NerdyAppleBottom in the States wrote a post called My Son Is Gay.
It's actually not about her son being gay. It's about her 5-year-old son dressing up as Daphne from Scooby-Doo for Halloween. He looks AMAZING, but unfortunately other mothers from his preschool class were very disapproving. They told her that she should have "forbidden" her son from dressing up like that on Halloween because they were supposedly concerned that his peers would ridicule him. But the only negative comments they experienced were from parents, not kids.
She points out that her son dressing as a female character for Halloween won't "make" him gay (which is most likely the cause for horror among these mothers), that girls who dress as male characters aren't subject to the same fears and that even if her son IS gay, that's OK anyway.
But I think the crux of the post is her comment that you may wrap up those comments with a bow and call it "concern" but it's merely bullying.
Bullying is a term that's thrown around a lot these days, so I'm not sure I'd call it that. More like social control. That's the scary thing – the social control that is exerted on us and our children by others that affects how they act. And as this post clearly shows, kids get the message loud and clear when there's disapproval in the air.
That's great when the disapproval is focused on bad behaviour. But when it's aimed at self expression and individuality, it's heartbreaking.
I think the reason this post has caught fire (almost 20K comments) is that so many people – parents and non-parents – identify with this scenario. We can all remember a moment when we were young and were made to feel awkward or disapproved of because we weren't blending in sufficiently to satisfy others.
Of all the things I would like for my daughter, one of the biggest would be for her to feel liberated from that control. I know that's unrealistic. But it's lovely to imagine.
About Jennifer Howze
Jennifer Howze is the Creative Director and co-founder of BritMums. She blogs about family travel at Jenography.net, tweets at @JHowze and Instagrams at @JHowze. Previously, she wrote the Alpha Mummy blog at The Times and as a journalist has contributed to The Times, The Guardian, The Independent, The Wall Street Journal, Travel & Leisure, Budget Travel, CNN.com, Allure, SELF and Premiere, among others. She won The Maggie Award from the Planned Parenthood Federation of America for a health article in Seventeen magazine.
Helen
Friday 12th of November 2010
To me just shows this boy doesn't see the difference between girls and boys and that's a positive and healthy thing. I owned My Little Ponies but you'd find me in typical boy clothes, playing video games and doing what boys normally do but that doesn't mean I'm gay or that there's something wrong with me. The mothers who reacted badly to this deeply disappoint me.
Kat
Tuesday 9th of November 2010
Maybe we're just nutters in this house but the idea of having society dictate which surname would become our family surname didn't appeal to either of us. We did want to all have the same surname so we had a duck race. I won! Our son has my surname and when we get married my other half will take my name.
Jennifer Howze
Monday 8th of November 2010
@Tattie - it is funny how not taking your husband's surname is a "thing", like a big gesture. although in my case, it was a big gesture. I'd spent years building up my name professionally - I didn't suddenly want people saying "Jennifer who?".
Tattie Weasle
Monday 8th of November 2010
This is awful. Societal control is a scary thing esp when you are going against the grain even in a small way like shock horror NOT taking your husband's suraname when you marry. For it to be directed at a mother and child like this is pure bigotry.
MuddyNoSugar
Monday 8th of November 2010
OMG I know I shouldn't be but I am still shocked by people's bigotry and need to behave as sheep with a mob mentality. Appalling. For years I was told to conform, but my parents brought me up to be myself and to believe in myself. If I can do the same for my girls all will be well. And if we as parents demonstrated our open minds and forward thinking the next generations will become the same. So come on folks, its up to us.