Jen blogs at Instinctive Mum and is a mum to three wonderful children, she has suffered either prenatal or post natal depression with each of them. 18 months ago after the birth of her third child, it hit her the hardest. Having suffered before she was realistic about the implications of having a third child. However she wasn’t prepared for the severity of the illness this time around. Here she shares her experience and also a poem she write to help the older siblings what was happening to their mum
PND is a debilitating illness which affects the entire family. It hurt to see my older children looking at me hurt and confused and wondering why I was shouting or crying again. The guilt would mount. They would tip-toe around me. They were frightened at my unpredictability. They didn’t understand where their happy and lively mum had gone.
During the early days after the birth I felt like I was trudging through treacle. I was struggling from one panic attack to the next and desperately just trying to survive each day. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to eat, I saw no enjoyment or hope in anything. I began to believe the nasty voices in my head that said everyone would be better off without me.
Thankfully my amazing family and friends and health visitors recognised something was very wrong and I got the help I desperately needed. Post-natal depression is not an easy thing to say you have. You need help from other people.
During a sleepless night, I began to think how to explain my condition to my older children aged three and eleven. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that this had happened. I felt very strongly that they needed to understand that I was ill and that I was going to get better.
I turned to my love of writing as I have always found it cathartic. I wrote a short poem called ‘A Monster Ate My Mum.’ I published it on my Instinctive Mum blog and the response was overwhelming. After speaking to many other sufferers and researching PND a lot, it became clear that there was little if anything out there to support older siblings.
The poem tells of a little boy whose mum is not the same as she was. The young boy hunts the different monsters who have taken parts of his mum; her smile, her spark, her laugh.
“Excuse me but have you eaten my mum?
I want her back I want some fun.
I want to see her smile mum mum.
Is she in your big round tum?”
The brave boy learns that they didn’t mean to eat his mum and that in time, all of the things they have taken will be returned. There is reassurance that it’s not his fault, and hope that it won’t be like this forever.
“No she’s not here I just ate her smile.
I’ll give it back after a while.
I’m sorry I was hungry you see.
I don’t know where your mum could be.”
For my family ‘A Monster Ate My Mum’ meant there was no longer this thing we didn’t speak about. It helped them know it wasn’t their fault and that this wouldn’t last forever. It helped relieve my guilt and anxietieS. It also put things in perspective for my husband, who needed supporting as well. Far too many women and men suffer PND in silence fearing they will be judged or have their children taken away from them. Since self publishing ‘A Monster Ate My Mum’ as a book I have been committed to speaking out about my illness and attempting to help others. It is time to break the silence.
I am better now. However, the shadow of post natal depression will always follow me around. It has undoubtedly left its mark. I will never be the person I was before it took hold of me. I will constantly live in fear of it returning.
I hope to speak out and help as many people as I can through the book and my blog. My hope is that if we talk openly about post-natal depression including to our children the stigma will disappear. It is vital that if anyone including our children come to experience mental illness, they should be able to recognise the signs and to know how to seek help.
Post natal depression does not mean you are a failure as a parent. It does not need to leave you feeling isolated and alone. There is always someone there to listen and to help I promise.
If post-natal depression has to exist, let’s make sure those monsters hand mum’s smile and spark back as soon as possible.
Find Jen on Twitter too
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Tom @Ideas4Dads
Tuesday 7th of January 2014
Love the poem and very insightful. My mental health that I have always suffered with has become worse since having young kids and I can find myself worrying about the future and whether it will return. I find focusing on the day in question helps me to remain present more and npt project into the future what might happen. Good luck with the book :-)