Newbie Tuesday Round-up: Count your blessings

I don’t know about you, but the minute parenthood kicked in I became a different person. That girl who wandered home down dark backstreets at 4am, in whatever tiny skirt was in fashion at the time, ceased to exist overnight. The one who backpacked around the world, sleeping with cockroaches and camping by crocodile hangouts? Said goodbye to her, long ago. I literally have no idea how my own mother coped, when there was no such thing as a mobile phone, or the internet (yes – I am that old)!

As parents we fret. Worry suddenly breaks out of that tiny locked room at the back of our minds and rampages through our psyche, gluing itself to our DNA for ever. We also moan. The pressure of parenting becomes a badge of honour we wear with a strange mix of pride and martyrdom. We’re tired, the kids are being difficult, there isn’t enough time, or money, the house is chaos, our weight bugs us, our children are falling out with each other, with their best friends, the boiler has broken down…

Well today I am here to tell you that all that stuff doesn’t matter. I have been privileged this month to read some blog post from our newer blogging friends that make me gasp with how simple my life is. That promotion my husband is struggling to get? Totally irrelevant. My daughter’s latest lack of an invite to a friend’s party? Meaningless. In the scheme of things, at least. The links that follow do not make pretty reading, I’ll warn you now, but they will send your own worries hurtling into the distance with their tales between their legs. Count your blessings people!

Tragedy strikes when and where you least expect it. I have been reading Louise’s blog on and off since she began it, a few short months ago, by announing her family’s joy at their new pregnancy. What a beautiful, bubbly lady, in and out of all the blogs, commenting, offering advice, humour – I feel bright when I see her around the internet. And yet this week she is dealing with the most unimaginable pain, as her baby was born sleeping and her world came crashing down. Please read her blog if you can face it, and show some support for this lovely lady and her family.

A story that ends on a happier note is that of an IVF success. Having been there myself, I know how soul-destroying it can be to sit in those waiting rooms, with other desperate couples, and I am so pleased that this new blogger has decided to write about her experiences. She also invites contributions from other couples who have experienced the infertility process, as a resource for people embarking on this painful journey.

For some, pregnancy and birth is just not an option, and I thank fate every day that I never had to travel the bureaucratic nightmare of adopting a child. Some couples have fought so hard to achieve their family that I can only gawp in admiration at their tenacity, and their ability to go where I could not. When it seemed Actually Daddy and I were not destined to become parents, we had an application form ready to post to the Canadian immigration department. Others have been stronger, and tell their story of adoption with great alacrity. Even when your child is settled into your family, adoption still comes with huge dilemmas, as the dates roll round for the contact with the birth parents.

As bloggers I think we have an unusual perception of the reality of caring for children. Many bloggers begin to write because of a tragedy which has beset their family.  As we read our way through each other’s lives see some of the best, and worst experiences of being a parent. It is easy to panic about the risks to our families when we read about suffering every week, but this week I am choosing to feel blessed, that the ailments which have worried me over the years – asthma, reflux, failure to thrive – are all manageable due to our healthcare system. Others are not so lucky: many of you have experienced cancer, the loss of a child

I’m a worrier. Much like Not my Year off, I read the stories, and I panic about cancer. I am “in my 40’s,” and so little things are starting to go wrong. Like a rather well-worn car that develops a strange noise, a wheeze at ignition, a stumble on the gear changes, I am learning to live with stuff I would prefer not to. For a long time, every new symptom was cause for a race to the GP to check for the C-Word. I’m a fraud, thankfully, and my heart goes out to those who are not, the parents who are facing this battle, in the only way they can – with optimism and hope. So I am counting my blessings, remembering that as parents we focus more on such terrible events, wondering what they mean for us individually. The answer to that is this: they mean whatever we decide to let them mean; all we can do is offer support to those who are bravely living through it, and count our blessings that our troubles are smaller.

Please read these posts with sympathy and understanding for their authors, but then try to remember what you have in your lives that is good, as even they do. I am lost for words at how people cope with their tragedies, and even in these posts there is inspiration in the way that they do so. There is sickness and divorce, there is the pain of seeing our children struggle with friendships, days when everything goes wrong, and days when your child’s endless questions drive you crazy! There are also bloggers who offer support, advice, even a place to rant freely about your family without guilt, if such therapy helps you. There is a whole network of unseen friends to call upon for advice, or just a shoulder.

So amongst all the grind, effort, and sometimes thankless task of parenting, remember that there is support, hope, fun, and the most incredible joy you can ever experience. Life is indeed a box of chocolates – when you get your favourite centre savour it, dwell on it, make it last. Count your blessings.

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About Helen Wills

Helen Wills is a mum of 2 children in primary school and blogs at Actually Mummy on parenting issues, school, travel, and life according to the kids. Since starting her blog in 2011, Helen has won 2 national awards, and puts a lot of her success down to the amazing online community of bloggers at BritMums. As her children grow older, her writing is increasingly influenced by their opinions, and her blog reflects this drive to get the most out of family life. Helen works from home in copywriting and social media. She is on Twitter @actuallymummy.

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