Theresa May in front of No. 10. Could the battle for Prime Minister relaunch the Mummy Wars? Picture: Twocoms / Shutterstock.com
Since this post was published, Andrea Leadsom has dramatically dropped out of the Tory party leadership contest. We’d still love your thoughts on the continuing threat of the Mummy Wars. Read on!
The two-woman contest for leadership of the Tory party and Prime Minister — between the childfree Theresa May and mother of three Andrea Leadsom — provides a unique opportunity to reignite a phenomenon from the Noughties: the “Mummy Wars”. We need to resist that temptation.
The Mommy Wars in the UK
For those who don’t remember, the term “Mommy Wars” started in America in the last decade — and was adroitly explored in Leslie Morgan Steiner’s 2007 book on the topic. The UK’s “Mummy Wars” emphasized the same differences and tensions between working and staying at home. They drew a hard line between women’s various lifestyles, turning these into defined identities that served as a comment on other people’s choices.
If you worked full-time, if you used a nanny, if you stayed at home with your children — in the heady atmosphere of the Mummy Wars these were all templates: “If you don’t parent like me, you’re doing it wrong,” was the assumption.
The appeal of the Mummy Wars
It’s easy to see why the Mummy Wars waged so passionately then. We look at our own lives and what we’ve learned from either having children or not and apply that to others. It’s natural to think that the way we organise our lives is the best solution. It is, at least for us. When the opportunity to shout about our choices in the public arena, buoyed by headlines of the latest political row, presents itself, it’s hard to resist.
What it meant for individual women
How many times did I have to tread lightly when mentioning my full-time job and my childcare arrangements, just like others were careful when mentioning the decision to breastfeed longterm or bottlefeed or any of the thousands of other choices we make as parents? Someone might get offended, someone might feel judged…and often they did.
Thankfully, that era faded away. Women got more comfortable with their own style of parenting and everyone became more skeptical of an idealised version of “Mother”, either as Working Superwoman or Domestic Gaia.
Will we reignite the Mummy Wars?
Put two high-powered political women in the news, women who have made different domestic choices, and it suddenly seems that the Mummy Wars could be back in force.
Consider not just Member of Parliament and Prime Ministerial candidate Andrea Leadsom’s ill-conceived comparison between her status as mother-of-three and her rival Secretary of State Theresa May’s lack of children. (Leadsom has apologised for the comments, calling them “completely the opposite of what [she] said and believe[s]”.) One hopes that when Leadsom spoke in divisive terms about being a parent, it was in a moment of naïveté and zeal in trying to differentiate herself.
Yet the dispiriting way that other MPs on both sides have piled on after Leadsom’s comments, via news outlets and in social media, demonstrate that they think Mummy War II is a great sequel.
We need to let them know they are wrong.
Let’s put a stop to the Mummy Wars
Individually we can all do our part. We can be confident in our own choices and support other women’s choices, even if they don’t match ours.
We can have sensible conversations about the two women vying to be our next prime minister and not get caught up in this most superficial of identity politics. (Do you need to be a parent to care about the future of your country? Sorry, is that a question?)
We need to let other MPs know that we don’t want to hear them stoking the fires of outrage when there are much weightier issues at stake. Wouldn’t we rather be debating the candidates’ post-Referendum strategies than considering their respective fertility? We should be poring over their platforms, not parenting status.
Most of all, we need to quit defining and judging women on the basis of this one area of their life — whether or not they have children,whether they chose breast or bottle, whether they stay at home or go back to work.
To wage a war you have to have two opposing sides.
Let’s decide right now we’re all on the side of letting mothers, parents, and women in general make decisions in their personal lives without those decisions being a way to triumph over other women or cast aspersions on others’ life choices.
About Jennifer Howze
Jennifer Howze is the Creative Director and co-founder of BritMums. She blogs about family travel at Jenography.net, tweets at @JHowze and Instagrams at @JHowze. Previously, she wrote the Alpha Mummy blog at The Times and as a journalist has contributed to The Times, The Guardian, The Independent, The Wall Street Journal, Travel & Leisure, Budget Travel, CNN.com, Allure, SELF and Premiere, among others. She won The Maggie Award from the Planned Parenthood Federation of America for a health article in Seventeen magazine.
Honest Mum
Tuesday 12th of July 2016
Brilliant post as always, Jen, these mummy ways sadden me, we need more of these articles, BritMums embodies sisterly support. We must all respect views that differ from our own and work towards being more understanding and tolerant. This saga was so simplistic and frankly offensive.
Jennifer Howze
Tuesday 12th of July 2016
Hear hear. I also found it bizarre that she said she was "sure" Theresa May was sad not to have children. I've since heard that May has spoken a little about wanting children, so that may be true, but we have to quit assuming that all women want children too!
Liska
Monday 11th of July 2016
The whole argument played out is so redundant anyway as regardless of whether she would run the country with grandchildren in mind the truth is that they only ever implement policies that have a short term goal or impact and are only ever counting down till the next general election. They barely look after one generation let alone plan for future ones. If they did we would have seen this whole aging population thing coming AND proactively done something about it sooner that wouldn't have seen people working well into their 70s. The main thing wrong with this country is there is never any foresight for the long term and mom pop or no mom I don't see that changing anytime soon. The politicians and media are so good at getting good our feathers ruffled about matters that are less important than the state of the country and the real issues at hand. Theresa has a huge job ahead of her and I'm not optimistic about her chances
Jennifer Howze
Tuesday 12th of July 2016
Liska, good point! We need long-term thinking, no matter who is doing it. Thanks so much for commenting.
Uju
Monday 11th of July 2016
Hear hear Jen, well said and I wholeheartedly agree. I already feel my teeth setting on edge as soon as any of these types of 'Mummy War' (or mummy skirmish even lol) scenarios hit the headlines. Nothing the tabloids love than a good old lady scrap. I'm very annoyed with Ms Leadsom actually for playing the mum card, no matter what she claims to have meant by it. Not only was it grossly insensitive, but it's an extremely reductive way of looking at women and mothers. At the end of the day nobody wins with that kind of attitude.
Frankly I feel very suspicious of the people currently 'leading' the country, and I wouldn't put it past them to have cooked this all up behind closed doors. Ugh. As you've pointed out, the best we can do is to focus on what really matters, try to respect each other's choices, and stop feeding into the negative cycle!
Jennifer Howze
Tuesday 12th of July 2016
Uju, you are the second person I've talked to who has a suspicion that it's all political theatre with folks pulling strings behind the scenes. I wouldn't rule it out...
Louise Foster
Monday 11th of July 2016
As a mother of 3, on the verge of going back to work, this subject is really striking a cord with me. I find social media is still full of critical voices but as I approach the end of my last period of maternity I can confirm that any decisions I make now or in the future about my working status, my only concern will be how it will effect my family. I have no interest in the faceless voices on social media anymore as my family mean so much more. This is a great article and a well timed warning.
Jennifer Howze
Monday 11th of July 2016
Louise, what an exciting if stressful time for you and your family. Well done on focussing on what's right for you. It can be so easy to get caught up in what you "should" do. I know that happened to me.
Thanks so much for commenting. x