LOL: The one with all the weddings

Lol humour columnWhen I mused upon what to write about for this months LOL Round-up, there seemed to be only one talking point last month.  The Royal Wedding.  The haters are gonna hate, but personally I loved it.  I even shed a tear. 

But I did feel for Kate.  Three weeks post baby I was still in my PJ’s and couldn’t remember he last time I had washed my hair.  I thought her colour choice was very brave considering the disaster zone that is probably still going on down there.  And if there is anything I have learnt about weddings, it’s that they are a whole different ball game once you have kids in tow.

Be prepared for anything.  

I may (totally have) have experienced all of the following scenarios:

  • Tears as soon as the bride enters the room, not the normal wedding tears of happiness, but full on tantrum mode, snotty, blubbering tears.
  • Marginally better is the “Is it nearly finished, I’m bored, I don’t like weddings anymore, can we go home”, repeated loudly for at least 20 minutes.
  • The best case scenario is that they fall asleep, you risk offending the bride and groom, but snoring is way better than the other two options.

I once observed a parent giving their child a massive lollipop during a wedding ceremony. Part of me thought about the sugar crash that would follow, the other part thought that this was a genius bit of parenting on how to keep your kid quiet. Unfortunately for me when I tried it, my kid inhaled the lollipop before the bride had walked down the aisle.  The next time, I used the lollipop as bait with the tried and tested method of parenting; bribery.  Am I Being Unreasonable to want to go to a child free wedding?

 

Pass The Wine Please wonders if Toddlers and weddings are a good match.  I have to say I read it with relief that it’s not just my kids!

The ceremony wasn’t exactly a roaring success, in that Miss O and I spent the majority of it in the toilets playing with the hand-dryer…then, she kicked off the reception with a quick succession of tantrums because I wouldn’t let her:

A – Help herself to the wedding cake
B – Open the top table’s wedding favours
C – Play with the shot glasses behind the bar

 

Me, Annie Bee planned her own secret wedding and her three part diary is gripping…

Today we gave notice and we have a date!

We almost didn’t make the appointment – as you can imagine, I was flapping.
We couldn’t find anywhere to park because Leeds wasn’t designed with traffic in mind, I was very aware that if we were late not only would we lose our appointment, we’d have to pay the £70 fee AGAIN to make a new appointment!
Screw that!

I had to do a small trot and was ‘glowing’ but we made it with seconds to spare.

 

But it’s not all about the weddings.  Island Living 365 reflects on what she has learnt in 10 years of marriage.  I am so trying this one…

If I want Mr C to do anything then I don’t ask/nag. Instead I whisper it when he is asleep and then he thinks that it was his idea to do it in the first place.

 

Then there is this brilliant post from So Happy In Town that looks at tips to make your wife happy, 19’50’s vs 2018

1950’s

Kids are little treasures but are really not your responsibility from Monday to Friday. Your wife should always have them tucked up in bed by the time you get back from work, but weekends are your chance for some ‘dad time’. Get them to help you with ‘dad jobs’ such as washing the car, mowing the lawn and clearing the garden path. This will give your wife some childfree time to get the house ship shape and make you all a hearty roast dinner. 

2018

Kids are little treasures and are a joint venture. During the week, try not to show your dismay when you come back from work and they are not ready for bed but instead are ferally racing around the house, high on Fruit Shoots and too much screen time. Your wife will have had a tough day too. Try not to ask your wife why the little treasures are not in bed as this may result in more anger and a shoe being thrown at your head à la Fergie. Probably one of the ones you have just left in the middle of the hall. 

Weekends are a joint venture too, though you will be far more tired than your wife and will need a lot of breaks during the day, preferably horizontal ones. This may make your wife angry again but it is for her own good. A bit like Churchill needing a nap everyday. World leaders. Enough said.

 

And finally I ask Is your relationship strong enough to survive having a baby? on my blog Life, Love and Dirty Dishes

Top tips for birthing partners:

  • Do not at any point compare child birth to being kicked in the gonads.  Unless you have been repeatedly kicked in the gonads for 12 hours straight, whilst having the said gonads stared at by a variety of individuals, then shat a watermelon, followed by having several stitches in your gonads.  If that happened then you can compare.
  • Do not tell the mother of your child that she said she didn’t want the drugs, when she is screaming for the drugs.  She didn’t have an effing clue what she was talking about when she said she didn’t want the drugs.  She definitely wants all of the drugs.
  • Do not faint and make the show all about you.  Nobody likes a thunder stealer.
  • Buy her a god damn push present.  Did you see what she just pushed out of her fanjango?
 

See you next month for another LOL Round-up.  Tweet me your funny links to @lifeloveanddd.

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About Claire Kirby

Claire is the blogger behind Life, Love and Dirty Dishes. A blog about the amusing side of parenting. Claire’s claim to fame is that she once spoke to Phillip Schofield on a Going Live phone in. Awesome, right? She with three boys; The Husband, The Big One (8) who never ever stops talking, and The Little One (4) who never ever stands still.
They live in a Lego house. They don’t really, but they have so much off the stuff they could probably build one.