Click on the links to read the full rants…
Five Year Olds:
The Confusing Diaries of a Puzzled Mummy – The F***ing Annoying Fives
Do you have a question that you’ve always pondered the answer to? Is there life after death perhaps! Ask my five year old. He’s a little know it all with an answer for everything.
Only yesterday did I get screamed at, full frontal in the face because the number 6 that was in bold black print in front of me WAS NOT A SIXXXXXX! because in my 32 years of life and after gaining a bachelor of science degree, I have not yet grasped the shape of a number 6. Not like my five year old who is working within the early years foundation stage and should have been born with 666 on his head.
Our Rach Blogs – 10 Irritants
I know this is going to be a contentious one because SO many people love this Unicorn trend at the moment. But hear (or read) me out before you call me a miserable bitch.
Can someone, sound of mind, please explain to me what it is about hundreds and thousands on a cake that constitutes a Unicorn?
Is there a horn on said cake? No
Is it shaped like a horse? No
Does it have Unicorn like features? No
There you go then, not a fucking Unicorn cake is it?
I can barely turn This Morning on of a Wednesday without some Master Baker unctuously displaying her Unicorn masterpiece and promising everyone at home “the kids will love it because of the Unicorn theme”.
I am not lying to my son about it resembling a Unicorn because it doesn’t and besides; Unicorns don’t exist so stick that in your cake hole and munch on it.
Northern Mum – Becoming The Bearded Lady
Last week I found myself staring with pure resentment at a bunch of University students. They all had great hair, their breasts were up closer to their chin than their toenails, they didn’t look tired, they were wearing shorts or dresses that showed off legs that didn’t have veins and cellulite. They had youth that I don’t even remember having when I was young.
This morning I even tried to scrape my hair back into a ponytail in order to smooth out the forehead. The resulting effect was that I looked like a slaphead with a tuft for a pony tail. The kids refused to leave the house until I let my hair down and my face droop.
Mum Muddling Through – The Hangover
Your hangover day will probably consist of a kids party or two – a battering on the senses at the best of times, but a cruel joke to the parents who had a night pass the night before. You can spot them a mile off hanging around the hula hoops bowl and downing lemonade out of a Disney Princess party cup.
Motherhood: The Real Deal – When Are You Going back to Work After Baby?
I actually went back to work, against my will, 3 months after having fraggle only to realise what a BIG MISTAKE it was for me, and so am even MORE annoyed when people ask this question (although in my head I am pretending to clobber them like a caveman, outwardly I am all smiles and strawberries, of course).
Island Living 365 – The Easter Bunny Doesn’t Write Letters
Now it is Easter and every Easter I have the same argument with Oldest. She insists on writing the Easter Bunny a letter. Every Easter I refuse to play along, I am not going to write a letter as the Easter Bunny. Every Easter she gets cross when there is no letter from the bunny and every Easter I have to say
“Of course the Easter Bunny can’t write letters. He doesn’t have opposable thumbs. The Easter Bunny doesn’t write letters”
To which she looks at me and asks
“Then how can he carry a basket of eggs and deliver chocolate to us. How did he open our door? If he can open our door, then he can write a letter”
Lost in Translation:
Cuddle Fairy – Understanding The Irish “No”
A little background on Irish culture as I see it. Irish people are polite, kind & generous. They don’t like to impose or create a fuss, even if they are uncomfortable or actually want what you are offering them. So, they answer no to pretty much every question you ask them – even if they really mean yes! This is understood by all Irish people & they know how to respond.
Absolutely Prabulous – If You Love Your Vagina, For Crying Out Loud Don’t Glitter Bomb it
Glitter bombing, however, is nothing to do with how tidy one’s garden is and everything to do with how fragrant the flowers are for the person visiting it. Personally, I’m not interested. As an Asian woman, I have a full-time job just keeping the blooming garden (oh it really is a blooming garden) pruned, never mind planting pretty flowers in it too, for crap’s sake.
And frankly, if the visiting party doesn’t like the natural conditions of the lady garden, maybe they shouldn’t visit the garden. Re the actual glitter side of things, as far as I’m concerned, call me conventional but I prefer to keep that stuff in the kids’ arts and crafts cupboard, not inside myself.
Life, Love and Dirty Dishes – The Top 5 Misdemeanours of Topsy & Tim
The twins get nits for the first time. Of course Smug-face Mummy doesn’t act like any normal Mummy and panic and start frantically itching her own head and crying. No she simply produces a nit comb and begins combing. Who already has a nit comb before their kids have nits? And if you did would you seriously remember where you put the damn thing. Smug-face Mummy is putting us to shame. She even hugs the nit infested twins. Proper head to head hug. Where’s her self preservation?!
Does everyone feel better now that’s off their chest?
See you next month for another LOL round-up. If you are looking for more funnies in the meantime, or want to showcase your own then head on over to Friday Frolics – The linky With The Giggles, and join the fun.