‘Having it all’ is not just a woman’s dilemma

Benjamin Tipping, who blogs at Mutterings of a Fool, provides an eye-opening insight into the struggle faced by the modern man who wants to provide for his family while also being there to watch them grow up.

I am a working dad, one who commutes 70 miles a day to work, not only that but 70 miles a day on a bus. It means I spend almost 3 hours a day commuting, 3 hours on top of my work day where I’m not able to be at home with my family. We are a family of 4 ½; my wife aka the lady of the manor, my 7 month old daughter Matilda, our second baby ‘the sprout’ due on May 26^th 2012 and a crazy English Springer Spaniel Bracken. Often I leave for work before Matilda gets up and get home when she is in bed, I can go 3 or 4 days in a row without seeing her awake or being able to talk to her.

This is precisely the sort of dad that I told myself I would never be.

But it’s a good job at a good company, both professionally for me and my career aspirations and personally in terms of the pay and benefits.  It gives us security as a family and if things go according to plan it may allow the lady of the manor to work very minimal hours in the future. But is this enough? Is this a good enough trade off to accept the commuting? I certainly don’t have an issue being the bread winner; it satisfies my caveman desire to be the provider to my family. But this isn’t the sort of father I want to be.

This is the conundrum of the modern day dad; we want to be both provider and a hands on dad. We want (and are expected) to be involved in our children’s upbringing while still in most cases being the primary earner.  Work can often be in a very different location to the one you live, so how do you prioritise? If you take a lower paid job to spend more time with the family is that ok? You may only live once, but someone still has to pay the bills.

For me it will have to do because, for now at least, moving jobs or house isn’t an option. However there are things you can do to make things better. I’m fortunate that my employer encourages a work from home day once a week if appropriate for your job. A benefit I grab with both hands. A heavenly day each week where I can give Matilda breakfast, lunch and dinner, I can play with her, bath her and put her to bed while still doing all my work. The beauty of the internet and VOIP phones is that being at home is essentially invisible to my customers.

By the time the sprout is born we also plan to buy a second car, a cost we’d rather not have but at least I can then make it home for bed time every day, maybe even dinner time occasionally? Either that or we force Matilda to stay awake until 8pm so I can play with her? You might laugh, but I know a parent who did exactly that.

It’s not a perfect situation, I can live with it for now but next year things will have to change, no way in hell I’m missing my babies growing up, no job is worth that.

Photo credit: sean dreilinger

–Benjamin Tipping, Mutterings of a Fool

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