Being Mum, Being Me

Hannah Parker blogs at Mum’s Days about the ups and downs of being at home with children, on one of her posts a comment left got her thinking about the role of being a mum but staying true to herself, she shares her findings with us.

A comment on my post “If you could be anything…?” really got me thinking about the role of being a mum but also being myself. Here’s what I came up with

Identity Before Baby

When I was pregnant, I saw my maternity leave as an opportunity to become something else, a successful blogger. I’d have so much time on my hands but it turned out that having a baby was THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE.

I put a lot of pressure on myself and got upset when I wasn’t able to do everything, I’d spent so much time before the baby researching how to lose weight and planning what I’d do. I feel sorry for my post-natal self now. What a mean taskmaster I was!

I didn’t really have as clear a sense of Identity Before Baby as Sarah, my commenter, does but I did apply the same amount of pressure to become something.

Trying to be ‘mum’

I think we all try to mould ourselves into an imaginary mum shaped person and hence make ourselves miserable. No one should feel guilty. I can’t clean and I’m messy but I’m also fun and can cook a mean curry. We are all great role models in our own way and Sarah will be a great mum whether she’s at home slaving over a hot stove or working on a computer but she must do what makes her happy.

I imagined I would do the baby groups, drink coffees and eat cake everyday with hundreds of friends. I tried but it stressed me out! Now I do fun things with Reuben and friends but that’s not all I do, I love writing my blog. When I’m with Reuben we have fun and I don’t touch my computer but once he’s gone down for a nap I write. This balance makes me happy and I’m a better mum with more patience, energy and ideas for playing.

Identity After Baby

It was around 4 months, coinciding with Reuben becoming less dependent and sleeping more, that I started to question my Identity After Baby but I wasn’t thinking ‘Hurray, isn’t this wonderful to be at home all day being a mum?’ I was worrying that I wasn’t achieving anything with my days and feeling guilty because I wanted to be a blogger. I didn’t feel like one because I wasn’t earning anything, so should I just get a job?

I’m over that now, mostly, see section below on guilt! I know what I want to be and I’m in the fortunate position of not needing to bring in an income. One day I will earn money from my blog but the main thing is that everyday I am writing and being creative and through this journey I am discovering my identity as a stay at home mum.

Guilt

The above is of course, easier said than done. Meet guilt, who’s here to make you feel like bad, whatever your decision!

Poor Sarah, 29 weeks pregnant with a 100% proof alibi for sitting on her arse still feels guilty. Guilty for not starting a new project, guilty for not being busy, guilty for everything.

This guilt continues throughout pregnancy and beyond. I think it relates back to the whole idea that having a baby is a walk in the park. Therefore your house should be spic and span, food should be on the table and all the socks should have been washed, paired and back in your husband’s drawers.

Here’s a news flash. Your baby is not going to allow this to happen. You want to try cooking with a baby stuck to your boob, it’s hard work and frankly dangerous. My house was never spic and span. In time, we were able to get a routine where he would sleep in his cot for a few hours but even now I’d rather be on my computer than washing up! Do I feel guilty? Of course, but I can’t let the guilt take over because then I’m unhappy in myself for not having my creative time.

You’ve got to find a balance and do what makes you happy. Reuben doesn’t care if there are pots in the sink but he does care if I’m fun to be around.

Hannah is an ex-city girl turned wife, mum and step-mum living in a North East seaside town with a bad reputation. Hannah has been blogging for 2 years at Mums’ Days, where she documents her triumphs and tragedies of daily life trying to be a good mum. She has recently started a Directory of Giving Birth with over 30 stories all donated by members of the Mums’ Days community on Facebook. She will be carrying the baton in the TeamHonk relay from Newcastle to Alnwick in March! Find her on Twitter too @mumsdays and Mum’s Days on Pinterest

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