Yes I am going to moan about the weather. And I’m going to moan because it’s hotter than Christian Grey right now, and quite frankly this heatwave can do one.
If you are one of those people that loves the heat and wants everyone else to stop moaning (husband, I’m talking to you) I suggest you don’t read this.
As you may have already gathered, I am not loving the weather!
10 Reasons This Heatwave Can Do One.
1 Boob sweat
My biggest envy right now (apart from people living in Iceland) is women with small boobs. Small pert boobs that rock a spaghetti strap without the need for a bra. I need scaffolding to support my puppies, and I can tell you that the scaffolding is hot. The girls are not having much fun. My boob sweat is sweating. There is not much in life right now that feels as good as the moment you can release the puppies from their cage.
2 Looking nice
It’s impossible to wear make-up in this weather. No sooner do you put it on, it runs down your face and you end up looking more like Alice Cooper. My hair is a frizzy mess, it’s far too hot to tame it with GHD’s, and if I wear it down I get a sweaty neck. I’m aiming for summer boho chic, and I look more like I’ve had a heavy night on the vino.
3 I can’t cool down
The shops have sold out of fans. I know this because ours broke. I cried. A cold shower is the only thing saving my sanity right now. You know that kind of cold that takes your breath away. It’s amazing. The only problem is by the time I’ve dried myself I’m sweating again. I’m just going to take up residence in the shower cubicle. Sod the water bill.
4 People telling you to stop moaning
I get that some people like this weather. But stop telling me to stop moaning about it. I’m a winter baby. I love the winter. What’s not to love about knitted jumpers and curling up by the radiator with a blanket and a hot chocolate. I have a heated blanket on my bed and during the colder months am rarely seen without a hot water bottle attached to me. Winter boots and scarves are my favourite fashion items. I love me a woolly hat. I do not tell you to stop moaning about your numb toes. So let me moan about all of the sweat.
5 Too much flesh
There’s a time and a place people. In your garden, on the beach, Love Island. But I don’t want to see your bear chest in the supermarket sweating on the fruit and veg. And no that is not a euphemism.
6 No one is sleeping
In a life before kids, the husband and I slept on the balcony of our hotel room underneath the stars in Tenerife because it was so hot. It was romantic. But I don’t have a balcony, and if I did I would be too paranoid about my kamikaze kids. It’s too hot to sleep. Waking up sweaty is not pleasant. Waking up with a sweaty husband and a sweaty bed invader is not pleasant. Plus everyone’s grumpy because they are not getting enough sleep.
7 I’m hungry
Enough with the BBQ’s. I don’t want to see another sausage. We are surviving on watermelon and ice lollies. It’s too hot to cook. I miss curries and Mexican food and roast dinners. I’m bored of salad now. Plus chocolate and a heatwave do not mix well.
8 Sweaty arse prints
You know when you stand up after sitting on a plastic chair and look like you’ve peed yourself. I haven’t. My arse is just hot ok.
9 Chub rub
Unless you are the 5% of the population that have a gap between your thighs then you too are suffering with the dreaded chub rub. Don’t tell me you haven’t straddled the fan when no one is looking for some light relief.
10 Sun cream
I don’t want to wrestle anything in this heat. But getting sun cream on kids is like wrestling an alligator. A slippery grumpy alligator. Then there’s the sun cream paranoia, did I put enough on? That bit you always miss on yourself. Then there’s the fact that I don’t tan. My freckles just sort of merge together. Yes, I am one big freckle.
A sweaty one.
Anyone else loving the heat as much as me!
See you next month for some hopefully less ranty lol’s. Please let it have cooled down by then.
You might also like: 7 Things Parents Must Do In A Heatwave