The day I stopped being a ‘nice’ parent

Blogger and author Kate Orson is a mum of one and first time author. Here she remembers the day she stopped being a ‘nice’ parent…

The other day a friend invited me over for a last minute coffee. My daughter had woken up early that day, and was grumpy and really didn’t want to go. So I declined the invite.

This decision triggered an unexpected mass of feelings. I felt angry and resentful. We’d been home a lot recently as my daughter seemed to be in winter ‘hibernation’ mode, and was happy to spend hours playing at home. But I was starting to get serious cabin fever.

I lost all enthusiasm, zoning out on the sofa, looking at my computer while my daughter watched TV. A swarm of negative thoughts rushed into my head. I started questioning my choice to be a stay at home mum, and wondering if I should put her into full-time pre-school.

After a few hours I remembered some horrifying research I’d read about the effects of TV on the brain! I told my daughter she’d had enough screentime. She started playing with her Lego and shortly after came the requests to ‘’play with me.’’ I said no. I told her she could play by herself or we could go out. I said another few stupid things that I’m too embarrassed to repeat here.

My daughter starting crying. I empathised with her and hugged her when she wanted me to, but I didn’t back down on my limit. The crying seemed to clear her head a bit, because she then went off and played. I could hear her talking, roleplaying her Lego figures.

Motherly guilt
Before that day, I would have felt terribly guilty if I didn’t respond to my daughter’s every need for connection. That day I didn’t have the energy to interact in a positive way at all, and it was better for me to keep my distance.

And she was okay. She played with her toys. She wasn’t in any physical danger. Although I hadn’t used the best choice of words, or the best tone of voice, I was relieved that I could resort to a bit of ‘old school’ parenting. And it worked.

In the afternoon we did go out as my daughter had an art class, and she decided that would be a better option than playing by herself. She was energetic and animated, and I sensed she had just needed some help to get through the transition to go outside. I was relieved simply to have a bit of a walk and get some fresh air.

I’m not one for using threats and bribes. I learnt some really amazing positive parenting techniques from Hand in Hand parenting. But I realised that educating myself as a parent had also exacerbated my perfectionist tendencies. I was nervous and edgy, constantly wanting to do things right and also feeling powerless, feeling like I had to meet every one of my daughter’s needs, sometimes at the expense of my own.

I think many of us, especially those whose childhoods aren’t perfect (isn’t that all of us!?) are vulnerable to feeling like we have to be perfect parents. Many of us who turn to peaceful, gentle parenting have a fear of not meeting our children’s emotional needs because we know what that feels like. We want to do things differently because we want better relationships with our children than we had with our own parents.

Letting go of fear
The day I decided to stop being ‘nice’ I let go of the fear and anxiety I had about not being able to meet my daughter’s needs. Our children do have an infinite need for love and attention (you might have noticed!), but we live in a finite world, with finite time, and finite emotional resources ourselves. Sometimes we need to put up some rock-solid boundaries before we lose our temper, or say or do something we regret.

When I say I stopped being ‘nice,’ I put this in inverted commas, because I realised that to be the best parent I could be, I actually did need to think more about meeting my own needs. To say yes to a coffee to brighten my day so that I could have more energy and attention for my daughter. I needed to notice earlier when I was getting stressed, before I turned into a shouty mum giving threats and ultimatums. I needed to take breaks and nurture myself too.

So give yourself a break, and give up being ‘nice.’ You might just find that you become a better parent by doing so. What helps you de-stress?

Kate Orson is a mother, writer and Hand in Hand parenting instructor. Her book Tears Heal: How To Listen To Our Children, is now available to pre-order. Follow her blog, Listening To Tears, or on Twitter @kateorson

Photo credit on ‘coffee and cake’ image: VGstockstudio