How to have a ‘calm and content’ relationship

How to have a ‘calm and content’ relationship… Cat Williams, relationship counsellor, Army wife, mother of two and author of ‘Stay Calm and Content’ explores..

As a relationship counsellor I have seen first-hand how couples deal with problems. Sometimes it can feel impossible to stay happy as a couple when things are tough. I am frequently asked if there is a ‘secret’ to handling things well and maintaining a strong relationship, here is my answer…

The first thing we need to recognise in a relationship is that our partner poses a uniquely powerful threat to our self-esteem, and we pose a uniquely powerful threat to his or hers.  The more we care about someone, the more they can potentially affect how we feel about ourselves.

Self-esteem is a combination of self-worth and self-confidence and it is vital in all our relationships.

We all want the same thing from relationships; to feel listened to, understood, respected and loved.

When we feel vulnerable or ‘emotionally threatened’ in our relationship our physiological ‘fight or flight’ reaction kicks in. Our heart rate increases, we feel twitchy, ‘on edge’ or nauseous and we will describe these feelings as ‘negative emotions’ such as anger, anxiety, frustration or jealousy etc.

If we are unaware what generates negative emotions, then we will also be unaware that our subsequent actions are attempts to protect and repair our self-esteem. We do what makes ourselves feel better at the time; maybe argue, and criticise each other, leave the house, or shout at the children, or cry; and then might think ‘I don’t know why I did that, why can’t we just get on?’

Only we are in control of how we feel about ourselves and how we react when we feel ‘threatened’.  We each generate our own emotions depending on how we interpret situations and how we allow them to affect our self-esteem.

Top Tips for a happy relationship

– Take responsibility. You are just as responsible as your partner for your relationship; you need to show her or him unconditional acceptance, respect and affection before you can expect the same in return.

– Accept that there are reasons why each of you think and behave as you do which make sense from you own point of view at the time. Don’t criticise your partner, aim instead to understand him or her. Learning to understand another person takes constant effort and patience as well as self-control over your own self-esteem and emotions.

– If your partner frequently argues with you, or is jealous, or critical, then they are showing signs of low self-esteem because they are trying to feel better about themselves by taking their feelings out on you.  You are not responsible for how they feel about themselves, but you can help them with their self- esteem by listening and understanding, and by encouraging them to maintain interests, hobbies or relationships which help them to increase their self- worth and self-confidence.

– Think back to the beginning of your relationship. You will hopefully have chosen your partner in the first place because you felt good self-esteem in his or her company.  What did you like about your partner when you were first getting to know him or her? Why did this make you feel good about yourself? What did you do together which you both enjoyed and what could you do together now to maintain and improve your relationship?

– Focus on your own self-esteem, you are in control of how you feel about yourself, you are just as worthy as anybody else.  Dress in a way which helps you to feel confident about yourself.  Maintain interests, hobbies and relationships which help you to feel ‘at your best’.  Compliment, encourage and praise other people, and be kind, not critical, it is the most likely way that you will receive the same in return.

– Communicate: Listening is harder than talking.  Ask open questions starting with “what, where, how, why, and when”, they cannot be answered yes or no.  If you listen carefully to your partner’s answers and check that you understand correctly, you will be going a long way to improving your relationship.

– Practice expressing your feelings clearly and without blame, say “I feel….” rather than “you make me feel….” because as soon as you blame someone else for your emotions they will feel defensive, and a potentially heartfelt and useful conversation can easily become an unhelpful argument.

– Let your partner know you love them in as many ways as you can think of every day.  For example, by saying “I love you”, or by your actions, thoughtful acts or gifts, and physical affection. Making sure he or she feels loved by you is the most important thing because if the person we love doesn’t feel it, for whatever reason, then that love is almost pointless from their point of view.  Think about how you feel most loved, and let your partner know what you appreciate the most.

Please do let me know your comments on this. I am looking for relationship dilemmas for my blog Stay Calm and Content where I am posting about and answering your questions and dilemmas.

With best wishes, Cat x

Cat Williams is a relationship counsellor, British army wife, mother of two, writer, and author of Stay Calm and Content No Matter What Life Throws At You.  She has lived and worked in many different locations including Germany, Southern England, Scotland and she is currently based with the British Army in Canada.  She is giving 50% of her profits from sales of ‘Stay Calm and Content’ to UK counselling charities, so she is very grateful for assistance with spreading the word.

Cat has had the pleasure and privilege of talking to hundreds of people about their common but difficult issues, and of helping those people come through them as calmly and contentedly as possible. She has a new website and blog where she discusses and responds to relationship dilemmas.  You can find her on Twitter @catstaycalm or Facebook Stay Calm and Content.

Read Cat’s book Stay Calm and Content available on Amazon. Not a typical self-help book. This book is for everyone. It discusses many of the difficult issues of life, most of which are likely to affect us or someone we know at one time or another. Including stress, relationships, love affairs, parenting, motherhood, divorce, weddings, Christmas, teenagers, the battle of the sexes … and more.