There has been fierce discussion over parenting styles for decades, from before Doctor Spock in the 1970s to beyond Gina Ford in the late 1990s. The debates over the merits of different styles and whether they ‘work’ or not, can be a difficult and emotive topic. Are some styles better than others, from tiger mother to attachment to rigid scheduling and back again? And – perhaps the more difficult question – could parenting styles actually affect a child for the worse?
Ali McCloskey runs parenting workshops and suggests there are differences that greatly affect how kids feel about themselves and how they turn out. Here are her categories and descriptions. Do you fall into one and do you agree with these definitions?
All parents have different ideas about the right way to bring up children. While there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way, there are things we can change to help avoid having a negative impact both on our children and our parent-child relationships. So which type of parent are you? And could adapting your style have a positive impact on your child?
Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents like to be obeyed. They tend to be strict and expect children to do as they’re told. Children are not encouraged to ask questions, or express a view. Research has proven that children raised in this environment are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem or confidence, leaving them ill-equipped to deal with peer pressure.
On the positive side, children are often academic ‘achievers’ – but at what cost? Again, studies show they often rank lower in the happiness stakes.
Tips for authoritarian parents: Learn to listen and hear your children; count to three when you feel your assertiveness rising up; ask yourself if your behaviour is going to bring you closer to your child or further away?
Authoritative
Just like authoritarians, authorative parents like to be in control. The main difference between the two styles is the way parents react. Authoritative parents are more open to listen and don’t always jump to punish. They are also capable of forgiving, forgetting and admitting when they are wrong.
Children raised in this environment are happier, more capable, find it much easier to say no to peer pressure and can better express themselves without becoming angry or causing offence. The only disadvantage is the amount of time it can take to listen to, involve and agree solutions with your children.
Tips for authoritive parents: Be certain that you are authoritive – not authoritarian; as your children grow, listen and encourage them to express themselves; involve your children in agreeing rules/boundaries.
Passive
Passive parents are simply too soft on their children. They tend to over-indulge them emotionally and materially, disregard discipline and avoid confrontation which can encourage dismissive, badly behaved children and, sadly, leave them vulnerable to peer pressure.
Tips for passive parents: If your partner is authoritarian, work together to find middle ground in the style of the authoritive parent; learn to set boundaries and stick to them no matter what.
Un-involved
No one wants to be told that they are an uninvolved parent – and few mums and dads actually are. Yet it is important to mention when discussing parenting styles. An uninvolved parent really doesn’t accept the fact that bringing a child into the world is their responsibility.
They provide for their children’s basic needs but in extreme cases they can neglect. Children raised in this environment tend to lack self control, have little or no respect for authority, suffer from low self-esteem and are less capable than their peers.
Tips for absent parents: Recognise you need to take action and decide what steps you want to take – this might include spending 20 minutes a day talking to your child and seeking support by listening to a parenting CD and/or joining a parenting group.
For more information on Ali McCloskey’s parenting workshops, online courses and CDs visit her website.
–Ali McCloskey, www.goodparentsgettingbetter.com
About Holly Seddon
Holly Seddon is a writer, editor and community consultant and helped launched the community for Adoption UK, which won charity website of the year just 9 months later. She also writes a music blog.