If things are not working in our marriage we may eventually get to the point where we ask ourself, “Should I get a divorce?” How to know if your relationship can be saved.
Whether you’ve been married a short time or for many years, divorce is a life changing, stressful experience and you want to be sure before you take the decision to split up with your partner.
How do you know for sure? Only you will know if you marriage is beyond help, but the fact you’re asking that question shows there is some doubt in your mind. The most important thing is not to rush into anything. It can be tempting to want everything over and done with as soon as possible, but give yourself time to think things through properly and avoid the feeling of being ‘roller-coasted’ into a decision that may not be the right one.
Ann Corrigan, founder of specialist family law firm Clarity Family Law, highlights some things to consider when deciding whether divorce is right for you.
I’m not sure if I still love my partner
The majority of marriages lose that ‘spark’ but that doesn’t mean that love isn’t there. Consider how you would feel should your husband or wife die suddenly – would this result in sadness, regret or panic? Your answer will tell you whether your feelings are focused on your relationship or on your financial or other dependency on your other half.
I want to get back at my spouse
A divorce based on revenge is a divorce based on a seething mass of unresolved emotions. Whether he or she’s cheated on you or committed some other marital ‘crime’, only you know whether you can forgive your partner or not, but before you rush to court, ask yourself if the situation is something that can be healed with time or by entering into open, honest discussion.
I think it would be great to be single again
Fantasising about divorce is very common. It’s the old ‘grass is greener’ syndrome. Of course, the reality is not likely to be as you imagine and will certainly require considerable effort on your part – perhaps more than that needed to keep your marriage together. On the other hand, if you feel marriage is stifling you, having more time to yourself away from the home could help you re-establish that sense of identity that you feel you’ve lost.
He or she drives me mad!
We can never change people – and people rarely change, so your spouse is much the same as he was in the early days of your relationship. The difference is in those days, in the first flush of love, you overlooked those irritations but now they just grate. But ask yourself, if the problem lies with your other half or with you. Have you become less tolerant? Marriage is always about compromise and you may have to accept his or her annoying ways – just as he or she has to accept yours.
I’m sick of arguing about money – and everything else.
Getting a divorce is not going to ease your money worries – unless you are the breadwinner and your partner recklessly spends all your earnings. Or perhaps you are financially comfortable but still argue about who spends what. Again, this is about control, resentment, feelings of inadequacy and lack of independence, all of which can be helped by professional advice and counselling to help understand the other person’s point of view and behaviour.
Every relationship is different and something that is acceptable to one person could be a deal-breaker for another. Before you set the divorce ball rolling, it is worth taking a step back and asking yourself some serious questions with some equally honest answers. And if you need help, counselling, marriage guidance or mediation could help you see the bigger picture – it could save your marriage but even if it doesn’t, you will be able to take the next steps confident in the knowledge that you have explored all the options.
Ann Corrigan is founder of Clarity Family Law , a specialist family law firm in Gerrards Cross offering discreet, expert advice on all aspects of divorce, including the division of high value assets, children disputes and issues surrounding unmarried families. Ann is also a qualified mediator and fully trained collaborative practitioner.
Email: acorrigan@clarityfamilylaw.co.uk
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