Bad Mums Round-up: Hair-raising parenting for Halloween

It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,
You’re paralysed…

As Halloween is around the corner, I thought I’d give a few Monster Mums a chance to reveal some hair-raising parenting, the kind of bad mum moments that may make you want to hide your offspring and roll your eyes in disgust.

If you always remain calm and soft-spoken in the face of toddler or teenage tantrums and find juggling work, life and children a doddle, you probably won’t relate to the tales of woe below. You may want to stop reading and bake a tray of homemade granola bars or polish your halo instead.

But if you find yourself wanting to reach for the gin at 9am to help get everyone out of the house on time and often lose yourself in the maze of motherhood, you’ll nod your head in recognition at some familiar scenes.

Familiar bad mum scenes

Bodfortea – owns up to being a SHOUTY mum. When things go wrong, she tries to count to ten, she leaves the room and shakes her fists. She tries, she really does. But when these things don’t work she shouts. Every time she shouts she promises herself she won’t do it again. But she has such a quick temper. So she does it again. And again…

MrsS does something we all should do more often – congratulates herself for being a star. Why? She laments being expected to  understand and answer to all the needs and moans conveyed in that dreaded single word: “Mum!” The word can mean anything from,“I can’t find my PE kit,” to “I’ve run out of loo paper whilst sitting on the toilet,” or “I left my rain coat somewhere and now I’m wet and it’s all your fault.” Like superwoman MrsS steps up to the mark every time! We’re all superstars, I agree.

Mumaleary describes her day from hell when her carefully made plans for a toddler party in the morning, baby hip hop class (yes, really!) in the afternoon and the sort of sex usually reserved for films in the evening fall apart spectacularly, because of teething, toddlerhood and tantrums.
Better to not make plans, I say. As for the sex… I’m finding the mere thought of sex ambitious at this stage – never mind anything Hollywood-inspired.

The Secretdivorcee dares to ask herself the unspeakable question – do her children make her happy?
She gets philosophical about the complexity of happiness and how most days pass with the usual rubbing-along-ness that all families have: Homework nagging. Tea making. Some jokes. A little bit of thoughtful conversation. Moaning. Arguments. Music. Lots and lots of Minecraft. More nagging. Occasional dancing. Laughter.
Is that happiness? I don’t know, but it does sound very familiar.

This reminds me of my own post on Whyishersostroppy some time ago listing my disillusions about motherhood and why it didn’t turn out the way I expected.
An outraged young mum complained (my first ever complaint!) that my honest soul-searching was too depressing and not true! Well, I have since considered putting an age restriction on my blog, but I have to tell you I so wish someone had told me a thing or two about what to expect from motherhood before I went and launched myself into it head-first.

With half term upon us, Tiarasandprozac asks if there really are mums who go on treasure hunts in the winter when it’s raining bodies outside. She admires mums who paint and do crafts with toddlers as her own efforts failed miserably thanks to the little one’s zealousness with paint and glitter ending up in unmentionable places.
She also confesses to inwardly groaning at the prospect of yet another mindless game of rolling toy cars across the carpet and lining them up the other end. (I so relate to this one…)

And on that note, all that remains is for me to wish you a happy half-term Halloween mums! Stock up on the gin, my lovelies.

Do share some of your unspeakable mothering moments with us for next month’s round-up. Email me chenekoscielny@gmail.com or @CheneKoscielny.

About Chene Koscielny

Chené is a stroppy older mum who reflects on life and parenting – after 11 years of hit-and-miss motherhood, gut-wrenching guilt, endless frustration. She likes to add a shot of feminism. At 43, in the midst of raising an 11-, 8- and 4-year old, she’s finally found her voice (sort of), decided to enjoy her frantic life (most of the time) and to stick two fingers up to anyone, who tries to tell her what to think, say or do… (always!) She’s a journalist, communications consultant, writer and likes to drink Chardonnay and do Hot Yoga to relax (not at the same time obviously)

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