Launching a book is a huge achievement and BritMums is pleased to announce that more bloggers from our community are becoming published authors! In this new title ‘We Need to Talk About the Conditions of My Imprisonment and Other Funny Parenting Stories’, twenty-one parents share their witty views on parenthood, including the brilliantly funny Claire from Life, Love and Dirty Dishes; Emma from Island Living 365; Dawn from Rhyming With Wine; Lucy from This Mum’s Life; Kristin from Four Princess and the Cheese; Anna from Mummy Muck Ups; Susie from So Happy In Town (S.H.I.T); Gemma from Life is Knutts and Harriett from Toby and Roo. Here, Claire Kirby illustrates what this new book is about! Over to Claire…
When you find out you are pregnant you do your due diligence. You read the books, go to the antenatal classes, you talk to other parents. But when your little bundle arrives into the world, you will discover – and keep discovering, that there are several non disclosures that no one told you about. Just little things that you could have done with a heads-up about.
For example, I knew there would be dirty nappies. I knew there were going to be a lot of them. But no one, not one single person, told me about poonamis. I never knew that my tiny little baby would be able to shit with such a force that a nappy would be no match for the storm inside. I never knew that I would be cleaning poo from my babies neck and feet. No one warned me that the bowl of clothes pre-soaking before being washed would become a permanent fixture in my home. And because no one told me I thought that either I was doing it wrong, or that there was something seriously wrong with my baby’s bowels. I googled how to put a nappy on. I tried numerous different brands. It was only after telling a friend about the mother of all poonamis where I wasn’t sure whether to clean the baby, myself, or the carpet first, that she just laughed and said she didn’t miss the poonami days that I realised this was normal.
Parenting is full of non disclosures. Maybe because we wouldn’t want to reproduce if we had all of the information!
No one told me that simple tasks would be excruciatingly painful…
No one told me just how difficult it is to get little people out the door when you have to go somewhere. Find child, chase them round the house to get them dressed, wrestle them into clothes, look for shoes, chase child around the house again, put socks back on, put shoes on. Look for coat. Chase child again, put shoes and one sock back on. Put coat on. Pick up the 300 toys that MUST be brought with them. Wrestle the child into their car seat. Lock the house. Get into car. Realise you have no car keys as you are still wearing your pj’s. OMG It’s a Girl
No one told me how often I would have to repeat myself over and over and over again.
“Eat your breakfast” – 389 times;
“Get your underpants on, no not on your head!” – 156 times;
“Stop poking your brother with the lightsaber” – 64 times;
“Brush your teeth not the bloody tap” – 254 times.
I hate repeating myself. Colleys Wobbles
No one told me that I would never complete a ‘To Do’ list EVER again. In fact, all I would ever do is add to it…and then panic wildly when it is suddenly used for some random crayon scribbling or simply disappears into the abyss of the kids mess. The’experts’ also failed to tell me that I would spin from moments of complete terror at being the official ‘grown up’, to absolute moments of breathtaking love for these tiny people. Mummy Muckups
No one told me I would need to be good at sports…
Nobody told me about the day I would be so proud of the fact that I caught my eldest’s vomit with my bare hands. I didn’t spill a single drop. I considered it one of my greatest parenting skills – that I had great vomit catching reflexes. Ms Awesome, Mother Extraordinaire
No one told me all of the random crap I would need to know…
No one told me that to really succeed as a parent you need an encyclopaedic and specialist knowledge of ALL things. That you’d be faced daily with questions such as: “What colour is electricity? Why does Sunday start with sun? If you used all the water in the taps would starfish die?” (Aha I know this one! But that’s dangerous…) “What eats starfish? If starfish die would badgers die? How do rockets work? Are dreams real if you’re a dream person? Is a tiger faster than a lion? Why can I see?”
That essentially my education to date would be rendered useless and I’d veer between spouting authoritative rubbish and muttering “Um. Let’s Google that”… Occupation Mother
No one told me negotiations would be a daily thing (mainly about shoes)…
Toddlers are divas with bigger egos than Donald Trump. They refuse to listen to reason and those negotiation skills that once earned you a promotion are nothing now. They are no match for a toddler demanding she be allowed to wear her spiderman outfit for the 22nd day in a row. Island Living 365
No one told me about the sleep (ok, they did, but I didn’t believe them)…
No one told me that I would never have a full 8 hours of sleep ever, ever again. That a simple 8 hours of glorious, uninterrupted slumber would become a distant mirage of gorgeousness, never quite in reach but always there to taunt us with its unattainable beauty. And as a result I would age 15 years overnight and my ability to retain any information would vanish into thin air! So Happy In Town
Nobody told me, that back in the days where I used to work early on Sundays as a nurse, on the one day a year that I skipped to bed, in the happy knowledge that I’d get a full extra hour in bed before starting a busy early shift, that one day in the future, the words ‘daylight savings’ and ‘clocks change,’ would strike the fear of god into me… This Mum’s Life
No one told me my head would spin at how busy life gets…
No one told me quite how relentless and unfailingly chipper pre-schoolers can be! Be it 5am or 8pm my one is running around the gaff like his life depended on it and expects exactly the same level of drive and enthusiasm from me.
NB: I do not possess that level of drive and enthusiasm and don’t recall ever having done so.
Sometimes I just stare at him in disbelief. Occasionally in awe. Mostly somewhere between panic and fear.
‘Chase me! Watch me! Follow me! Catch me! Do it again (ad infinitum)’
It wears me out just watching him. In fact it’s wearing me out just thinking about him. A Life Just Ordinary
No one told me how busy children are. It completely blew my mind how much my small people could accomplish by the time when, in a previous life, I would have been blissfully asleep for several more hours! I remember one day sitting down for my fourth cuppa of the morning, having finished hanging up the washing which had been on whilst we watched a full-length feature film, whilst watching the film we had done some lego, playdough and a puzzle, then realising it wasn’t yet 7am. Incredible. Nipper And Tyke
No one told me I would have regrets…
no one told me how quickly you’d regret teaching your child to say ‘mummy’. It’s cute for about a day and then you realise it’s going to be yelled at you pretty much continuously for the rest of your life. And Another Ten Things
No one told me about the toilet brush…
No body ever told me that I’d have to tell a small human being not to lick the toilet brush. Apparently toilet brushes are like catnip for children. I did not know that. Rhyming With Wine
What about you? Any non-disclosures that you would like to add?
‘We Need to Talk About the Conditions of My Imprisonment and Other Funny Parenting Stories’ is available from Amazon from 21st April 2018. You can pre-order the book now.