LOL Round-up: I can’t get no sleep

laughing women by Lighwavemedia via Shutterstock

Photo credit: lightwavemedia, Shutterstock

Sleep.  The joke of the parenting world.  The commodity we fiercely negotiate over with our partners.  The thing we miss most from our life before kids.  This month’s LOL round-up is all about the shut eye, the land of nod, the thing that we seem can’t get enough of.  Sleep!

 

Stage One of No Sleep – Pregnancy

It starts with the not so subtle and slightly gleeful warnings you get when you are pregnant from those who have already spawned.  “Say goodbye to sleep” (insert manic laugh).  Then suddenly you are 8 months pregnant, the size of a cow and you can’t sleep…

 

I Can’t Get No Sleep by Honest K

Do you know when the last time I slept was?! No, me neither. I wouldn’t say it was 2 years ago, before the birth of sleep destroyer. I didn’t sleep for 2 nights before I managed to evict that beast out. I didn’t even sleep for the last 2 months of my pregnancy, you tell me how any human is meant to sleep with a 7 pound plus baby ball stuck on them….no, no, hold up, I gained almost 3 stone in pregnancy. Granted Jess wasn’t a 3 stone baby, but I carried the majority of that weight on my arse, boobs and belly. So no, I didn’t sleep then. I couldn’t lie on my side without some form of weight distribution tools, clearly I couldn’t lie on my front, and if  I felt suicidal I would lie on my back.

 

Stage Two of No Sleep – Newborns

Before you know it your tiny little bundle of joy has arrived.  During the day they eat sleep repeat.  But at nighttime is when the fun really begins.  Party at your crib?

 

A Mothers Guide to “Putting The baby Down” by Devon Mama

9.10pm – Decide it’s safe to move/breathe again.  Begin to crawl/body shuffle out of the room.  Consider how ridiculous the situation is – you’re a fully grown adult, crawling around on the floor.  Decide dignity is overrated and resume crawl.

 

Eight Sleeping Positions for Exhausted Parents by Little Hearts Big Love

3) The washing line

You’ve finally managed to get baby to settle in their cot but getting them to go back to sleep requires endless amounts of patting and shushing. You’re becoming an expert on snoozing whilst lying on the cot rail patting your restless child.

Eight-sleep-positions-for-exhausted-parents

 

Hush Little Noises by All Things Spliced

Snacking. Ah, my favourite! *She says with sarcasm*! Why is it that the dustbin men can clatter and bang outside our house without Baby Lighty murmuring, but the minute I sit down with a cuppa and even slightly rustle the biscuit packet, he will wake up?! Super sonic baby hearing perhaps?! Impeccable timing?! 

 

Stage Three of No Sleep – Toddlers

For the lucky, the babies start sleeping through.  A routine is established.  Then the babies turn into toddlers, they need big kids beds and suddenly they get their own ideas about bedtime, which incidentally never match your ideas.

 

Cot To Bed With My Toddler by Its Just a Phase

On the next visit to the bedroom I noticed he had managed to get the drawers open on his chest, scatter about 20 pairs of socks around the room and was having mighty craic chewing on the polystyrene floats that are built in to the midriff of his swimsuit. With his belly full of plastic I yet again escorted him back to his bed and gave him strict instructions to go to sleep.

 

How To Prolong Bedtime When You Are 4 by Rice Cakes and Raisins

That papercut you had last month? Well, it’s starting to hurt a bit. Make sure everyone in the house knows about it.

 

Waiting for my Child to Fall Asleep (in memes) by Daddy Poppins

Liam Neeson meme

 

Stage Four of No Sleep – Insomnia

Stage four is one of the worst, when everyone in the house is sleeping, when you are longing to drift off and enjoy a blissful nights sleep, only your brain won’t stop whirring, your husband is snoring, and you can’t remember if you locked the door…

 

10 Reasons I Can’t Sleep at Night by Teddy Bears And Cardigans

I read a bit then turn off my bedside light and snuggle down. Husband is asleep. He said he had checked the doors and windows but I lie there thinking did he check the patio doors? Did he check the study window? Why didn’t I just check it? Shall I get up or lie here worrying? I’ll lie here worrying until four am when I’ll drop off to sleep except I hear strange noises.

 

Peace at Last by Whinge Whinge Wine

It’s closing in on two am. Two-o-clock in the sodding morning. I try. A fox outside is screeching. A dog is barking. The fishtank is humming. I give up.

At this point that I re-enter the bedroom and demand that everyone get the hell out of my bed, and they oblige.

 

The Solution

Caffeine seems to be the obvious answer to the lack of sleep.  The fuel that parents exist on, the reason we make it through the day.  But Mrs Helicopter Writes has another solution that we should all consider.  Separate beds.

 

There Was One in The Bed by Mrs Helicopter Writes

As an adult, with young kids, a job, responsibilities …..Why on EARTH would you want to SHARE your bed?! To limit your space, to guilt you into rigidity, to steal covers from you, to oppress your need to breathe noisily through your nasal passages (ok, I mean snore) …..Why?!

 

Further Problems

Unfortunately, even if you solve your sleep problems, kids seem to arise at the crack of dawn, and don’t care that you have only just closed your eyes.  Forget the lie ins.

 

50 Reasons My Kid Wakes Me Up in The Morning by Life, Love and Dirty Dishes

To tell me he had a dream about Pokemon. I was dreaming about Gerard Butler and a chocolate fountain before you woke up.

 

I hope you enjoy the posts in this months LOL round-up.  I’ll be back next month with some more posts to make you giggle.  In the mean time head over to my weekly linky #FridayFrolics for more funny posts.

Claire 

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About Claire Kirby

Claire is the blogger behind Life, Love and Dirty Dishes. A blog about the amusing side of parenting. Claire's claim to fame is that she once spoke to Phillip Schofield on a Going Live phone in. Awesome, right? She with three boys; The Husband, The Big One (6) who never ever stops talking, and The Little One (2) who never ever stands still. They live in a Lego house. They don’t really, but they have so much off the stuff they could probably build one.

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