LOL Round-up: Kids are gross

laughing women by Lighwavemedia via Shutterstock

Photo credit: lightwavemedia, Shutterstock

When you become a parent nothing quite prepares you for the amount of bodily fluid about to take over your life.  Wee, poo, vomit, and snot for starters.  It will be on your floor, your walls and in your hands. It will be the topic of conversation between you and your partner so regularly it won’t feel like a normal Friday night unless someone mentions poo.  Scooping a poo out of the bath is a parenting right of passage, and I don’t think there isn’t a self respecting parent who hasn’t sniffed something thinking, “Poo or chocolate?”  It’s lucky kids are so darn cute really.

This months LOL Round-up is dedicated to the undeniable fact that kids are gross.

 

Disgusting Things Parents Do by Suffolk Dad

This list is a pretty disgusting read, unfortunately I can tick everyone!

We’ve all been there, we’re in a restaurant, or at home, enjoying a drink to ourselves for a change when our child toddles up and demands some. We hand them our drink and after a few mouthfuls, we get it back. But our drink comes back with lots of floating crumbs and bits of whatever they consumed beforehand, and we continue drinking it.

 

Why Parents Are Well Prepared to Fight an Apocalyptic Zombie Invasion by Island Living 365

Emma is seeing the positive side of things and is seeing the gross things kids do as survival training should we ever be besieged by zombies…

In order to survive a zombie attack we need to be at peak physical fitness. All parents are. Not convinced? Have you seen how fast a parent will sprint when s/he thinks that their darlings one are about to puke over the settee.

 

Just Stop With the Crap by The Chatty Chronicles

Just when you think you have potty training nailed and you survived what felt like a monumental amount of poo and piss everywhere your kid regresses and you have to go through the whole mess again.  And kids being kids, don’t really care where they are when they need to poo…

The patch was getting bigger, the climbing frame busier. 

“Alfie, get down now!” As I’m scrabbling to grab him. 

His face is so strained & red that I, and everyone else around me knows that he’s going to burst a blood vessel whilst labouring the mother of all turds.

All rationale has escaped me.

“Alfie!! Stop pooing!!! Don’t you dare!! Get down now!!”

Suddenly arms appear all around me as parents grab their children, worried poor Beatrice & Felix might end up caught in an actual real life shit storm. 

 

Why is my Kid Obsessed With Farting by Mumzilla

Sarah’s Son has developed a passion for farting, so Sarah asked other bloggers to contribute their fart stories.  I will warn you now, I may have peed a little reading this post.  So funny…

“One of my kids had a bit of an upset tummy once and farted. He then disappeared. When I went to find him in the bathroom he was on the toilet and just stared at me and said, “I trusted my fart too much” as he pointed at his pants with a shit in them. The old adage of never trust a fart is spot on” Life is Knutts

 

The Reluctant Tale of the Volcanic Eruption by The Improving Mum

We all have a poonami horror story right?  One that still makes us shudder at the thought and instantly dismisses any feelings of broodiness we might be experiencing.  This tale just keeps getting worse…

“Get the wipes and help me!” She hissed at Daddy, who seemed oblivious. So as I continued eating my dinner, Mummy and Daddy quickly wiped up the offending matter, smuggled me into the baby changing room and started to clean me up. The thing is, we had been on an aeroplane to go to Nana’s house, so in an effort to save space, Mummy had removed my spare clothes from the changing bag for the first time in over a year. Mummy muttered naughty words under her breath, and I was taken back to my high chair in my jumper and nappy. 

 

Where Do You Draw the Line When it Comes to Bums? by Bad Dadu

Toilet humour is as far as I can tell the only humour my seven year old does!  At least he is not alone…

Earlier this week my older son got out of the bath and started acting out a skit which might have been titled: ‘In Conversation with my Bum’. It was basically a two-hander, with his bottom performing like a ventriloquist’s dummy with its voice booming out in a preposterous baritone. Mainly the bum discussed with its owner how much they loved their mum.

 

And finally I shall leave you with one of my own posts.  It is a groundbreaking scientific* study about how many hands it takes to change a nappy.

*It’s not at all groundbreaking or scientific

This study was carried out on a change table in Participant 1’s nursery. Participant 1 was 10 months and 29 days old.  It is important to state at this point in the study that Participant 1 is of the male species, and therefore come equipped with an extra hazard during change times.

Participant 2 has 2 children, and has completed all relevant nappy changing training. Participant 2 has chosen not to disclose her age as it has no bearing on the outcome of this study. Participant 2 had consumed her quota of caffeine, and was fit and healthy and firing on almost all cylinders at the time of the study.

The nappy being changed for the purpose of this study was a dirty one. Medium in size and measuring approximately 7 out of 10 on the nose offence scale.

 

So there we have it.  Kids are gross, and chances are you’ve earned a few of these parenting badges of honour whist dealing with their various bodily fluids and exploits…

 

Lol round-up Oct 2017

 

Until next time, come check out the weekly funnies on FridayFrolics – The linky with the giggles.

 

Claire

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About Claire Kirby

Claire is the blogger behind Life, Love and Dirty Dishes. A blog about the amusing side of parenting. Claire's claim to fame is that she once spoke to Phillip Schofield on a Going Live phone in. Awesome, right? She with three boys; The Husband, The Big One (6) who never ever stops talking, and The Little One (2) who never ever stands still. They live in a Lego house. They don’t really, but they have so much off the stuff they could probably build one.

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