Stillborn: A father’s perspective

stillborn Grace dinah

9th  –  15th October is Baby Loss Awareness week in the UK. Today David Monteith shares what it is like for a father of a stillborn child.

 

You lived what anybody gets…you got a lifetime. No more. No less. You got a Lifetime — Death from the Sandman by Neil Gaiman

 

My daughter Grace lived a full life. A full womb life. A life in which she heard the voices of my wife and me, in which she heard us sing. She saw shades of light and she dreamt unborn baby dreams. She moved, full of life and showed us her developing personality.

On the 1st of May, excitement set in as contractions began; on the 2nd of May my life became a series of moments.

Trying to put on my 4 year old’s coat while watching the midwife struggling to find a heart beat.

Driving to the hospital, hoping against hope. The longest journey of my life.

Watching the stillest of scans and knowing the results before they spoke.

Trying to eat lunch knowing I would need my strength but struggling with the sick feeling deep inside.

Returning to the hospital for my wife to be induced. 

And this is where the real difference between my wife and me hit me. Whilst my world had fallen apart, whilst I was trying to find the strength to endure what was to come. I was not the one with a dead baby in my body. I was not the one who would have to endure the pain of childbirth knowing that only the continuation of tragedy awaited. Even now a year and a half down the line, I cannot conceive of that mental anguish.

The next few hours were a mixture of heroism and despair. In turns we joked with the midwives, we cried and sobbed with each other and we stared at each other in numb disbelief.

When my beautiful and perfect daughter Grace was born I held her, still radiating her mother’s warmth, and thought for a moment that it was a cruel joke. I smiled at her and sang to her. I asked her, I begged her to breathe for me, to open her eyes and look at me.

She didn’t.

grace dinah

Her weight in my arms teased me with all her unrealised potentialities and I was struck by the awful, almost physical pain that comes with the dawning knowledge that all my fathering instincts, the desire to protect, to nurture had nowhere to go.

I dressed her then and put her in a cot. My wife was having complications with her placenta and needed me so I had to do what no father, no parent wants to do. I had to walk away from my daughter. Leave her in a corner. I wanted to look after her, protect her but it made no difference, so I walked away. Even today I struggle visiting her grave because I, at some point, will have to turn and walk away a visceral reminder of my frustrated fatherhood.

My brave, strong, warrior woman of a wife endured and achieved so much and I felt inadequate. I wanted to hurt and ache like she had. I decided very quickly that I wanted to dig my daughter’s grave. And I did just that. I carved her resting place from the ground myself, grateful for my brother who worked with me every step of the way — feeling the ache and pain with me.

Then came an event that every father dreams of but in a fashion that is every father’s nightmare. I got to walk my daughter down the aisle.

I carried her in a white wicker basket, wondering where I found the strength from. During the service my wife and I sang Amazing Grace through the lumps in our throat.

In the last year and a half I have learnt one very important lesson. Know yourself.

In knowing yourself you can find an emotional language to express yourself.

I am unashamed of the tears I cry. If holding tears back is manly, then screw that. I couldn’t give a damn about what a man is supposed to be. I don’t help my wife or myself by not being in touch with my emotions, and seeking counseling for both of us has helped us process this ongoing sadness. In embracing them, it helps me deal with the unexpected lashing out, with the anger that I didn’t realise was just below the surface. It helps me to be there for my 4-year-old Alannah as she continues in her horrible quest to understand the impact of having a sister that never came home, of what death means. Helps me to be there for my wife whose grief is a step more immediate than mine. Helps us as we attempt to find joy in a world which seems very different; as we adjust to the “new normal”.

Grace’s legacy has touched many and indeed our 4-month-old Kira wouldn’t exist if she hadn’t.

She was real; she had a full womb life, for which we are thankful. But I’ll never know the colour of her eyes; she’ll never hug me; never know my warmth.

My daughter lived a lifetime, and that’s how long I’m going to miss her, a lifetime.

How you can help

Buy and wear a Baby Loss Awareness pin from participating charities via the Baby Loss website.

Participate in the Global “Wave of Light” on Thursday 15 October, light a candle and leave it burning for at least one hour to mark the international Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Special edition tea lights are available from the participating charities via the Baby Loss website. Post an image of your candle on social media with the hashtag #waveoflight.

For further information or for details on how you can support the campaign and the week please visitwww.babyloss-awareness.org.

 

David MonteithDavid Monteith lives in London with his wife Siobhan and 2 daughters Alannah and Kira. He is an actor, director and tutor. He is the co-founder of the Geek Syndicate, a website, podcast and BBC documentaries.

David received the Inspirational Father award at The 2015 Butterfly Awards this year.

He documents his thoughts on various matters but primarily on surviving stillbirth, attempting to communicate the raw emotion that comes with this loss at his blog David Monteith.

Follow him on Twitter.

Share Button

About

BritMums is the UK's largest parent blogger collective. We offer bloggers the latest support, advice and how-tos as well as feature great content on food, travel, relationships, health, charities, crafting and much more. Our social network is free to join and helps bloggers connect with others; our BritMums Pro programme connects bloggers with brands on our high-quality projects and our annual conference, BritMums Live, is the blogging event of the year.

6 Responses to Stillborn: A father’s perspective

  1. Sarah arthur 12 October 2015 at 21:30 #

    My baby grandson was still born on April 6th this year my son and his girl friend are both not coping which has an even bigger impact on us all. I went to the short lives remembersnce service yesterday in harborne birmingam.

  2. Rhyming Mummy 13 October 2015 at 06:52 #

    This is completely heartbreaking but I’m sure it will give strength to those people who have to endure the same suffering. It must’ve taken a lot of courage to write. God bless.

  3. Elaine Livingstone 14 October 2015 at 09:41 #

    I think fathers are often over looked to an extent when this happens in comparison to the mother. It must be a horrible thing to have to try and explain to a 4 yr old when you do not even understand it yourself, when your own hurt is raw.
    Quite right at allowing yourself to cry, men do hurt, they do feel things, and they love an unborn child just as much as any mother does.
    Nice to know you both got counselling and has helped in some very small respect.
    Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it.

  4. older mum in a muddle 15 October 2015 at 10:13 #

    I was deeply moved by your words – I am so sorry this happened to your family. X

  5. Ginny 17 November 2015 at 19:33 #

    My son was stillborn in 2003—and one of the things many people don’t understand is that I will miss him until the day I die. I’m so happy you spoke out, as a father, for fathers are overlooked—my husband has struggled mightily with being overlooked and has had a terrible time with his grief because of it.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs to you, and much sympathy.

    (I don’t blog at the website above, but as it’s about stillbirth, thought I’d include it.)

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Blogtober: A blogger I admire - Holistic Mama - 15 October 2015

    […] He received the Inspirational Father award at The 2015 Butterfly Awards this year and has also recently written a post for Brit Mums called Stillborn: A fathers perspective. […]